new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
