just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
