Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
