I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
