just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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