I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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