I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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