i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
