pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
