We're like a lot better than the average bears
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
