I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think your dad took our porno
I have feelings that need drinking.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
