the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
