I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
