um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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