Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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