I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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