I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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