we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
