I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
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Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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