I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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