Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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