it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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