my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
