I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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