You can't motorboat a personality
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
