you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
