I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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