i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
