Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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