Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She's the barista slut.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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