we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
