Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
