There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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