I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
