my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
