The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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