I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
