Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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