well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
