so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
