She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
