guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
