u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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