Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
