it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I forget how to act sober
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