Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
