so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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