hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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