I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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