Sorry, I don't speak sober.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
