I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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