my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
