is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
