So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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