To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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