we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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