we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
