Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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