you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
